I Don’t Think I Processed That I Had Cancer Until I Was Told I Would Lose My Hair

August 20th, 2018

For the past few weeks, I’ve contemplated writing this. At first, I didn’t want anyone to know what was going on in my life because it wasn’t anyone else’s business. Then I got the urge to write a memo about it and send it out to my family members so that I wouldn’t have to repeat the same thing over and over again. Now I feel like I want to write this because it’s therapeutic for me and hopefully someone who reads this has a direct line to the Big Man upstairs and can put in a good word. Selfishly I just want more good vibes sent my way and hopefully, this will answer some of the “how are you feeling?” questions that I’ve been getting.

Just over 3 months ago I was training for the New York City marathon running around 25 miles weekly and was slowly but surely getting to the halfway point of running 13.1 miles. I had joined a weekly kickball league in the city and was getting prepared to enjoy my summer sitting on a beach chair. Sounds exciting, right?

A little over two months ago, I started to feel extremely bloated for days on end even if I hadn’t eaten a lot of food. I thought it was just my digestive system out to get to me again. If you know me that’s par for the course.

About a month ago I made an appointment with a gastroenterologist to see if a doctor could offer me some insight into why my lower abdomen was extended so much that it made me look as if I was a few months pregnant.

Two weeks ago, after a quick CT set up by my gastro guy and another exam I found myself sitting with my parents in a gynecologists office being told that I had a mass on one of my ovaries.

One week ago, I woke up in a hospital bed in a general anesthesia induced haze to be told by my surgeon that they had to cut me open instead of going in laparoscopically and that the mass that they removed was malignant.

7 days ago I was told I had cancer and well….that sucked.

Yesterday I got the pathology report that the cancer I had not spread to any other tissue that was tested and it was only at Stage 1, which was great news. That news was coupled with the information that I will need chemotherapy to make sure that ALL the cancer is gone and doesn’t come back. To add some icing to this cake I need to freeze my eggs just as a precaution so they don’t get damaged during chemo.

Still with me? Phew because that was a lot. Talk about a whirlwind couple months.

I took all this information in stride and handled it fairly well. My gastroenterologist, aka my new best friend, said he was so impressed by my maturity and positivity. One of my friends said she respected how level-headed I was about the whole situation. The nurses at the hospital were pleased to see that I was still able to make jokes and show my wit.

I was about ready to give myself a much deserved pat on the back.

Then, I was told that the chemo would cause me to lose my hair and I almost cried in front of people when I was told. I don’t think I processed the fact that I have cancer until the doctor told me I would lose my hair. I don’t even have great hair! I mean let’s be honest, I feel like I would not look good bald and I will openly admit it. It’s just brown hair on my head but it’s my hair and all I thought was “holy shit I have cancer” followed by “I can barely get a guy to go on a date with me with a full head of hair that it is going to be impossible to find someone while I’m bald.”

I felt like those issues were on the same scale of seriousness.

But what else am I supposed to do besides go with the flow? I guess being bald is just a blip on the radar to being cancer free. On the plus side, I feel like short hair is in these days so now I’m just adapting with the times and can look like one of those chic celebrities. Clearly, I am trying to find the bright side or silver lining in every circumstance.

Each day seems to bring with it some new information or potentially new obstacles which is an entertaining time, to say the least. I can only attempt to have a positive outlook and stay optimistic because there’s nothing else that I have control over.

I can’t change the fact that I have to freeze my eggs.

I can’t change the fact that I will lose my hair.

I can’t change the fact that I have to have chemo.

I can’t change the fact that I have cancer.

The only thing I can control is how I react to my circumstances.

The purpose of writing this is to not get people to feel sorry for me or to send me messages of empowerment. Over the past week, I’ve gotten comments like “you’re the strongest person I know” and I just have to say that I appreciate those words but hell no I am not the strongest person you know. Let’s be realistic, I am of average strength on a good day. I don’t need the “everything happens for a reason” or “God only gives you what you can handle” crap lines because I will then politely ask if you would like to switch places with me and your answer will be no.

All I need is some positive vibes and support because this time next year I will be back training for the New York City marathon. If you have any good jokes or riddles I’ll happily accept those as well. Also if you know Chad Michael Murray and want to set up a meet and greet between us then I need that as well.

At the end of the day, sometimes life is unfair and sometimes you lose your hair.

And as seen by the line above clearly I haven’t lost my stellar wit during this journey.